Do Rolling Heads Get Dizzy?

What does a person think when they know they're going to die, in that second as the guillotine drops, bomb detonates or rope gives way? This is a perfect insomniac's question, one I have pondered. The problem being you can never ask the dead person. When it came to my suicide I decided that I can make my death worthwhile by finding out and telling you all.

To this end I am sitting in my toilet, window bricked up last week, solid oak door screwed shut and covered with a 4 square meter sheet of mild steel fixed to the wall either side with 30 six-inch screws. It has a small hole in it leading to the outside world through which trails the lead from this keyboard to my computer, also through which I have just deposited my power screwdriver and the keys for the padlocks on the strongbox in front of me. I daresay I could get out, given time, but I don't have time.

The box contains a bomb of my own design, and I read enough about such mechanisms to know that it will not fail to go off in about half an hour, and I will die.

That's the first time I've said that and known it to be true, it feels like the true realisation of what I've done is lurking in the back of my mind, slowly coming to the fore. I can feel it in my stomach. I want to die, I'm sure, the reasons are unimportant to this, and personal, but I do. I'm sure.

I know there will be nothing afterwards. I'll just be a biological organism ceasing to be sentient. My molecules will remain here, there's no soul to leave me, or anything supernatural like that. God what have I done? My life is the only thing I have, any human has, of any worth. I'm about to lose it, forever.

I'm back. I've been away. I tried to get through the ddor, I can see the bone on teo of my fingers. The pain is insignificant though. I've tried to get out and I can't. I didn't really know until I treid.

I tried like a madman. I was thinging about how it would be a complete end of everything for me and suddenly I just had to get out. There is blood all over the metal sheet, the box is battered but not structurally damaged at all. The bomb is very well protected, I made sure of that.. I have minutse only. i don't know what to say. This essay is the achievment of my life and I can't clear my thoughts. I'mn going to die. That's the most poignant thing I can think right now. Don't killl yourself. I'm sure all suicide victims would change thier mind if they could. If they could feel how I feel now. It's not me thinking, it's ore a primal survival instiinct, but humans have evolved past that. Now it is possible for self termination to be the logical thing to do in a peersons mind, and technology allows it to be done in a speed and with such certainty that instinct doesn'tget a l;ook in.

I'm calmer now I suppose, that last bit was part of the essay I thought I'd end up writing, a fragment of it. I was so wrong about the rest. I never thought I'd change my mind so completely, I just thought I'd be forced to accepti it by circumstances, but still I tried. The feeling is indescribable it's just too

Excerpt from Coroner's report.

A bizarre case then, the evidence clearly points to suicide but the circumstances are beyond my field of experience. The answers to my questions may well have been inside the wrecked computer, we will never know.

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